Appreciation

This blogg is written during a recovery period. Recently I had major abdominal surgery. The recovery period estimated by the doctors is 6 weeks to 3 months. Bit of a wide window there, but I certainly understand why. I am nearly at the 3 week mark, and am surprised at the slowness of my recovery. Being a person who is normally very active physically, it is a huge challenge to be stopped. It was day 2 before I even got out of bed, and that was a dodgey experience to say the least. I am up and walking now, but slowly, and for short distances. For a person who used to pound out at least 2-3km on a morning run, I now am very pleased with myself when I can walk 100m and return. Even if I achieve that I am down for a nap that afternoon. As my frustration builds with being limited in movement, I have gained a new appreciation of all things physical.

Only this week was I able to pick something up off the floor when dropped, previously it just had to stay there until one of my children could pick it up for me. I still cannot lift anything of substantial (or even minimal) weight. I rely on my children to cook and clean for me, to do the laundry, to put the recliner back to it's upright position. While it is nice having the children do things for me, I have found a shocking adult habit - they just don't do it as well as us adults do (cooking, cleaning etc). I cannot reprimand them for it, for it would be ungrateful for all they are doing for me. If I nicely suggest, they get very defensive. So, for me it is a learning curve to just let it be. So what if things aren't done to my standard - the world will not stop turning or implode. Given society and teenagers today, I am very fortunate that they are capable of doing all the domestic chores required for adult survival.

I am attempting to learn patience, this being my only downfall. I have many wonderful qualities, but patience just isn't one of them. This I feel is a social thing - for each time the phone rings I struggle to pick it up on time. People who are ringing me must be patient, I am walking at a pace that pensioners would rejoice at - they would certainly win a race with me at the moment. And for heaven's sake I wish people would leave a message. We live in a society of voicemail - use it. When I do eventually get to the phone I can return your call. I so look forward to moving at my normal pace, to getting out and doing my morning run, doing some decent laps in the pool, driving the car without pain, getting out and dancing the night away. Only 2.4 months to go!!! Yahoo!!! I just hope my patience doesn't dry up before then. I will never again take my physical state for granted.

The Year in Review - 2006

2006 - What a year. It is now December and I find myself reflecting on the year. It certainly has been quite a year. I have loved and lost, been to the depths and back. I don't feel as though I have totally recovered, and have a gut feeling I won't (wish I could though). I have, on many events witnessed re-inforcement of my "live life" philosphy though. Death, illness and difficult times have surrounded so many of my friends. Has this year just been a challenging one, or is that just my perception. Is there a rewind button we could hit, to maybe try to recover some of the regrets? I don't think so. So, I feel an intense need to say goodbye to 2006, and hope, once again, that the new year will bring in some positives.

I sense that it might, however doubt always sneaks in. How much validity do we give our gut feeling? I used to live by it, however in recent times the gut feeling has proven to be a little less reliable than normal. It has lead me from trouble to worse. In the fight for what seems right, came an even higher level of grief. Yet the nagging gut feeling remains. Possibly my vision is blurred by the emotional, however the gut feeling remains regardless of all sensibility. Despite all efforts, the situation is haunting. In many previous haunting situations, they have only been brief. This one however is remaining. A strange sense of inevitibility hangs over me. I have tried everything in my power to shake it. Professional tactics and all have not worked. If only our gut feelings came with words. A quick flash of text in front of our eyes - would that not be easier? Although then we would question our possibility of mental illness. Illusions or delusions - what makes the difference? Hallucinations the text would appear as, and in my line of work I would be looking for the first therapist on the block. Burnout! would be the first cry. Maybe burnout from a year of too many events.

In a sense of negativity this year will pass. Is it only 3 weeks we have left? In an age where time runs by us at such a quick blink of the eye, one would think the next 3 weeks would fly. In such a travesty as to wish time away, I find myself doing that on a daily basis. The sense of escape has been all too strong this year. I have the means, but finding the company has been the difficult part. I almost had it there, but doubted the veracity of it. It was offered in humour I suspect, however in truth it would have been accepted. There is running away, there is escapism, there is avoidance. Each of these serve a purpose, and I believe, can be positive. I think I have been a master of all of these, but have, in the last decade, come to identify each of them for what they are, and the purpose each has served in my life. I no longer run, I no longer avoid, I am however guilty of escapism. If we cannot get time out (the same as escaping), then we fall into the unhelpful trap of burnout. Is it just us women who fall victim to this nasty phenomenon? Are we creatures of giving, and as such have little for ourselves? Is it society that has us trained to do so, or is it the downside of our maternal position? Those initial months where a baby is so totally dependent on us, do we simply fold and give into the expected selflessness of our position. Coupled or not, with children we are required to sacrifice our own desires for others. Does this then transpire to other people in our lives? Do we grow out of it? I think so. I have an increasing sense of selfishness as each year passes. This is in tune with the growing independence of my dependents. My intolerance of dependence is reflective in my relationships with the other gender. Too much dependence and I will run for a mile. Do not depend on me - I have had enough of that. Allow me my freedom and I will stay. Is that a contradiction? Possibly, but I think it is reflective of the era I am in. So, Mr Independence, stop this foolishness and come to your senses. I am so sick of the gut feeling haunting me. Return and I will at least have a day without nausea. I know you won't crowd me, won't demand too much, won't suffocate me. How do I know this? Trust me - a decade or so of gut feelings - I finally have it figured.

Says Who?!

This blog I guess is bit of a whinge. I am normally very accepting of people's views, their life perspectives, but I find myself less and less tolerant lately when it comes to people telling me what I need in my life.

In the last month I have had people dear to me tell me what is best for me. I know it is from their perspective, their experiences. But really, what makes that applicable to my life. The current, and often reoccuring topic is that of relationships. I once again find myself single. And, after 9 years of single life (with intermittent dates here and there, even the odd short term relationship) I have decided that I would prefer to have someone to do things with. I love independence, but really self naval gazing only lasts so long. And those people who have so intently embarked on the "you are better off single" routine are starting to annoy the heebies out of me. This is coming from people who are either childless or in a relationship. And from past experience they generally either gather in "couple groups" or with other singles. Now, hanging with singles are ok, if they have kids and understand the inability to pop out to a club on short notice. But honestly, I don't know one of those. All my friends are in couples. Most of them tell me how terrible it is. Well, give me some of that terrible, if it is so bad why the hell are they still in the relationship?

I have this incredible desire to live life. News from the doc this week has shortened my life a bit, so that desire has just strengthened a little bit more. I have so much to do, and need to make sure I make the most of my time here living life to the full. To do otherwise is a shame, a travesty. And, here I have people dear to me telling me I should not worry about my natural instinct to spend my life with some one special. It is natural for us humans to have affection and desire. So to give up on that would be a travesty. So, to those who tell me how terrible it is to be in a relationship ....... live what you preach ........ be single and not worry about the desire for affection. After all, isn't that what they say you should do? Alternatively, they can pull their heads in, and appreciate what they have. Cause really they are lucky.

Living a Dream

How is it that we can live a dream? We spend a large proportion of our lives striving for a dream, and when we get there we wonder whether it is actually happening. I have aimed for a particular job for about 17 years now. I finally have reached that job, and even after working in that job I still feel like it is a dream. How can a person be so amazed after 2 months in the job? I still find a buzz each day. Is this how it really is when you realise the dream? I guess it is. Do you ever wake up? I hope not. I am loving the dream, and need to pinch myself each day that it is happening. As with all jobs I do sometimes go home and think "I am totally over it", however when the people walk in my little office I get that energy once again.

I work in the helping field. I deal with people who have too many issues to work. Whether it be drug addiction, mental illness, alcohol dependence or disability, I am there to deal with it. You spend the majority of the day trying to motivate people to see the sun in the day. When you get a small win, you feel absolutely over whelmed. To be emotionally moved by other people's minor successes may seem minimal, but when you see so much struggling it is inspiring. We take for granted that smile we unconsciously put on our faces. To some it is a hard earned reward - a simple smile. My smile is unconscious - how lucky am I!

Time Past

Wow. Such a long time since I last posted. So much has happened I honestly don't know where to begin. Relationship past. What a blow out. We search for something, think we have found it, but alas it escapes us.

Life in the last week has provide alot to think about. People who give up on life, people who crave things in life, but cannot reach it.

Life is very fragile. It is easily given, it is easily taken away. Last week a friend tried to end their journey. I see so much promise for them. They are so trapped. I wish I could show them what promise there is, but they need to see it for themselves. They could so eaily have chosen a different path. They feel trapped or do they? They tell me one thing, and live another. I want to help them as I am a helper. But I realise that I cannot help them. I know that if they only have the courage to pick another they could realise happiness outside of materialism. We cannot help them though. They need to chose that path themselves. They stand to lose all material possessions, only to gain non-possessive benefits. Society is so materially focused though that they will never see. It is one of those things that life sends you to test you. It is testing them. I can see it, but they can't. That is their undoing.

I had a friend lay a guilt trip on me recently. Her partner tried to end his journey, and it was my fault because I had the guts to tell the truth. I told the truth to her, not to him. He knows the truth, yet does not have the strength to make a choice. I guess if he chose her she would destroy him. If he chose me, which I am not looking for, then he would lose all things material. I cannot take responsibility for that. So I have stepped back. I have denied my natural tendancy to help people. If I stay involved I will be destroyed. I have spent a large portion of my life trying to stay afloat, trying to survive for my children's sake. I have battled all sorts of adversity, and I am not about to let a spoilt little child (in adult form) drag me down even further. She has the uncanny ability to destroy people. I will not join that. She will destroy her partner though. Unless of course he has the strength to leave all that material wealth behind, and salvage his mental health.

I have made a vow to myself. No matter what adversity is put in front of me, I will not drag others down. I will respect other people, and how they think. I will look at the sun each day and thank the heavens that I am alive, I have food in the house, and I have people who love me unconditionally. I treat people with respect for who they are. In my everyday work I see people who are on the dark side. I don't need them in my personal life.

Long Time No Blog

Well, it has been a couple of months now, and I find myself drawn to put in words where my head is at. I could say I have been exceptionally busy lately, but then again so can we all. I can't even remember the last theme I was running with. So I guess a new topic, if it actually is new, is due.

Life in the new millenium is incredibly busy. I don't think I have had one night where I can say I have just sat back an relaxed. Already 2006 is proving to be a challenging year. I thought I had all the challenging years behind me. But, no, I find another to deal with. My heart is currently with a good friend of mine. Used to be a best friend until her marriage, and then I had to graciously take a back step as the husband is now the significant other in her life. She lost her father. I thought I was ripped off losing parents in my 30's. She is in her 20's and her father just suddenly dropped dead. Quite eerie as it turns out. She was on her way to visit, got off the plane and got a call that he had passed away that morning (or night before). He had worked like a demon to get the place ready for his little girl to visit, just never got to say welcome home. I found myself devestated as he was a very quiet person to deal with, but he always remembered me. In my hiatis after my own father's passing, I had not kept in contact. But even when I rang recently he knew exactly who it was on the phone, and was as lovely spoken as he had always been. A man of few words, but when he did speak it was with a smile and a little bit of cheekiness. I found myself suddenly in caring mode. I knew the devestation my friend was feeling. To lose a parent early is something that you can't quite explain to people. You feel cheated. You feel normal social interaction as just "too difficult". People want to tell you how much they care, but you are in a tiny little hole, that only others who have been there can understand. You totally reassess life. You suddenly see what is important and what isn't. I think only people who have lost can understand your clarity of life. The funeral was something else. I am not a public crier, so it was difficult for me. My pain was the loss of a gentle loving man, but also one for my friends. His wife who is widowed at such a young age.

It has brought clarity, yet again, to the important things in life. We spend so much time working and recovering from work, that we forget to stop and smell the flowers. I feel changes in my work coming (just waiting for that phone call). I certainly have changes in my life. A new man on the scene. He is so nice. A gentleman if ever I met one. He actually opens car doors for me. I thought the day of the gentleman was long gone. We struggle to organise outings as both of us have pretty much sat at home for 8 years. I think, well I hope, we will settle into some sort of comfortable routine of spending time with each other doing ordinary things (watching dvd's), and spending time with our children. I plan to talk to him about that tomorrow. It would be nice if this could continue. I need a bit of positive. It would outweigh all the challenging bits that have come to me in this short year. An update may be coming, but then again maybe I will be too busy to sit down and do a blog. My lack of blogs could be the indicator for a positive future. We will see with time I guess.

Is it Xmas Already!!!

I can't believe xmas is here already. It feels like yesterday that I was planning the new year. I wonder how much we can plan our year. I had wonderful perceptions on how 2005 would be. Surely it can't be as bad as 2004? I have figured out that each year has the capacity to out-do the year before. I, once again, will say bring on the new year as it can't be as bad as the last. And each year previous has shown its capacity to out-do the year before. I will still, however, continue to welcome in the new year. I am an eternal optimist, and with that comes an eternal faith (albeit misguided) that the next year is going to be fantastic. And when challenging events are placed in your way you start out by saying "that's ok, it is a challenge I can meet, look what I have endured already". By the end of the year you are saying "ok, I have had enough of this, I NEED SOME POSITIVE".

So ....... Hello 2006, I know you will hold challenges, but surely you can't be as bad as 2005?! The eternal optimist in me says that 2006 will be full of wonderful experiences, wonderful love, and wonderful people. The pessimist says .... "watch out". Oh dear!